Respectability and the Woman

Do you remember being little and hating to hear the words "you should not"? Or was that just me? I have always been fairly rebellious, and few things irked me more than the should-not's and supposed-to's of this world, so I learned early on to ask "why not?"

Needless to say, I continue to be surprised by how rarely I get a coherent answer. It used to amuse me no end to watch an older person flounder while trying to come up with a valid explanation for telling me not to do something they honestly believed wasn't acceptable behavior. Now it's just saddening.

I think it speaks to the power of conditioning and socialisation that people will accept - hook, line and sinker - restrictions on their lives and personhood without ever asking why. We live our lives, day to day decisions and behaviours informed by myths, and we don't question these things because someone told us so, and pretty much everyone is acting in accordance, therefore these things must be valid.

It is at this point that I like to cough, "bullshit."

Of course, no respectable woman should curse. Nor should she smoke, wear mini-skirts, twerk, use contraception, or ask a man on a date. She should wear makeup, but not too much. She should marry as early as possible, cook, clean, and never raise her voice. She should be a virgin till she marries but a freak when her man demands it. She should have less than 2000 followers on twitter and no cleavage on Instagram. And she had better know her place on game night!

The more patriarchal a society is, the more prescriptions of proper behaviour women are saddled with, restrictions which are almost always designed to limit women's pleasure in themselves (as in personal fulfilment) and their bodies. On the one hand, there is the status of 'lady' and eventually 'matron' to aspire to; the respectable female who has conformed to the patriarchy's code of conduct, and on the other - the temptress, wanton, slut, bitch, 'independent woman', bitter woman, gold-digger...there are probably as many names as there are patriarchal cultures, and more besides.

The thing that really grinds my gears though, is that most of the things women are not supposed to do, men are not just permitted to, but even lauded for. The average conversation about respectability with regard to, say, monogamy/fidelity, vice, parenting (I acknowledge that one might need to adjust for biology in some cases, but stay with me), money management - pretty much every significant aspect of adult life, will include vilification of non-conforming women and excuses for 'non-conforming men'. ('Non-conforming men' is in quotes because there is almost no such thing; men are 'respectable' by default in a patriarchal system, at least until they deviate from the defined norms of 'masculine' behaviour.)

There are far too many manifestations of this phenomenon for me to be able to address it in one blog post. Hell, in one lifetime! So I'll just end this by leaving you with this thought: next time you see a woman doing something 'unladylike', ask yourself why you think her behaviour is inappropriate. I bet you nine times out of ten it will come down to - you guessed it - patriarchy.

Doesn't that just make you want to punch something?

Children of the Secret

On Saturday, Woody Allen's adoptive daughter, Dylan Farrow, wrote for the first time about the sexual abuse she suffered as a child. No charges were filed, and the world has (had) forgotten that once, a seven year old girl was violated by her father.

There are too many of us.

We are ill-equipped to deal with the sexual abuse of our children. We don't want to face it. We turn away and hope it never happens in our homes, to our own babies. And in doing that we sometimes send a message to those babies that should it ever happen, we will not know how to handle it. Sometimes our  babies are too scared, ashamed, confused, to say anything. And these babies carry this fear and shame for a lifetime.

There are far too many of us. 

My mum's steward with his porn and his fingers. The man in charge of caring for the rabbits in school. The club owner down the road in Ikeja.

And that's just me.

There are so many of us. Yet our collective silence is deafening. We need to speak up, somehow, for our babies' sakes. And we need to learn to believe our babies, whether or not we were believed. Otherwise this madness will never stop.

"Little girl - little child

Little child is broken open,

Unripe,

By sick, sickening hands

Drawing crop circles on the

Foreshadowing of breasts,

In the unplanted fields of secret hairs -

Harvesting a crop not theirs

Never theirs,

Plundering the bounty 

That is innocent life.

A foul scythe,

Shearing the seeds off our laughter.

A ploughing in the dark of night

A marking of the face

With tears.

Be quiet.

This is a gift.

Take this painful thing; 

It is love.

Do you not yet know how to spell?

Say it like you're told;

S-h-a-m-e

That's how you spell love.

Perfect score for learning so quick,

Special child.

Have a gold star 

Seared into your nightmares.

Nobody loves you better.

No one will kill you quicker.

I need you.

Make daddy feel good.

Let uncle make you feel good.

Aunty has a present for you 

For later

Bath time

Bed time

Play time

A life time

Of spelling love wrong.

Help us

Believe us

Protect us

Teach us

L-o-v-e.

PS: Mikki Kendall (@karnythia) has some illuminating thoughts on paedophilia and how it works to silence victims. 

Coming Out: The Life vs Label Wars

What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

William Shakespeare

I struggle with my labels. There is so much attached to anything that we choose to identify as: the pressure of expectations, the disappointment of failing to live up to those expectations, the way our choices and decisions are informed by that identity, the ease that we are afforded in forming alliances based on perceived similarities and conversely, the ease with which we can 'other' people. 

I think a lot about the things I choose to identify as. Some of my labels are easier to handle than others. 'Woman' comes to mind first. Even though I don't perform femininity like the average Nigerian woman is expected to, I can get away with it because I don't care enough about other people's expectations in that regard. 'Mother' is a bit harder. I never wanted to be a parent, but life had other plans. It's still taking some getting used to. 'Feminist' is one I'm still figuring out; I haven't worn it long enough for it to fit well.

But this post is about how I am unable to discard 'Christian' and be done with it for good.

Of all the labels I have, this is the one that is most demanding and painful to live by. I was born into a family that lived (lives) Christ, but somehow I never quite caught the bug. I've been running from God my whole life (a really tricky thing to do when the majority of the people you love are making daily decisions that scream 'Jesus!'). My rebellion is made doubly difficult because I don't have enough faith to become an atheist. So eventually, no matter how far or how long I run, He catches me. (The upheavals thereafter invariably cause me to run again, of course.)

But I'm tired. It's an endless cycle, each iteration more painful than the last, each excision of habits and relationships more heartbreaking, each prodigal return more costly.

I don't want to do it anymore.

This is why I'm going public. My soul can probably take some more breaking-to-be-reformed, but I am loath to find out. It hurts too fucking much.

I'm a Christian. 

Here's why: painful as my returning to the foot of the cross can be, there is little that can be compared to knowing God so intimately that I become like Him; to being known so intimately that before I speak, my thoughts have been answered; to the insane peace that He gives, the shameless grace that I am availed of, the endless, boundless, incomprehensible love that is mine for the taking, simply because I believe.

This is why I am choosing, in spite of and because of my tendency to run, doubt and falter, to call myself a Christian. Not 'religious', 'spiritual', 'theist' or 'believing'; Christian.

I will likely be no better at embracing this label than I am at being a 'real woman', a 'good mother' or an 'effective feminist', but i have the next fiftyish years to practise. If you're still reading my blog when I'm 75, please remind me to do a Label vs Life evaluation. 

I hope I pass.

Shut Up! Am I Your Mate?!

Let's talk about respect. 

"A positive feeling of esteem of deference for a person or other entity, and also specific actions and conduct representative of that esteem."

And respect in Nigeria?

*Silence.* "Yes, sir." *Silence.*

I have always lived in Nigeria. Growing up in a middle-class household where I was the last child, in the larger context of an educated extended family where I was the youngest girl, adults (not just family members) liked me. They thought I was irrepressible, funny, quick - they encouraged me to speak my mind and sometimes even to contribute to their conversations. It was like living an episode of 'Kids Say' every day. 

Then I went to boarding school, and suddenly none of the adults wanted to hear my voice anymore. I wasn't allowed to question anything or chime in, regardless of the relevance or value of my contributions. I went from being called sharp and funny to being called rude and 'mannerless'. The fact that I had an opinion, that I could think for myself, became a problem instead of a plus. I was beaten and sent out of class by teachers who were affronted by my audacity to raise my hand when they had not opened the floor. I heard things like:

"Oya come and take over now, ITK ('I too know', or 'know-it-all'.)"

"You are very stupid. You were not even born when I started teaching!"

"I know your mother, she is a very nice woman. I'm sure she trained you well, so I don't understand where this rudeness is coming from."

I later learned that I was often the topic of staff room conversations. Things were worst of all with my English and Literature teachers; one of them, having been promoted to principal, vetoed the student body's election of me as head girl because I was 'rude and indisciplined.' And this trend continued the older I got, the more certain of myself and my ideas and place in the world I became. I started to hear things like:

"Don't you know you're a Nigerian girl?"

"Your strong-head (stubbornness) is too much. No one will marry you."

"This your white-girl behavior is so fake. Stay there and be deceiving yourself."

There is something wrong with a culture in which a young person (read: young woman, but that is another post entirely) having a mind of her own is perceived as behavior deserving of punishment. When young people are infantilized while older adults and/or people in positions of authority are practically deified, how can we expect to raise much other than mindless mules? A Nigerian 'adult's word is law, without question. A person who dares to ask for explanation or require presentation of rationale is instantly branded rebellious and disrespectful. (Yet these older adults expect these young people to, after years of being taught to follow instructions like mute sheep, go out and change the world. Or at least Nigeria, so they can have light and water and not have to bribe policemen every day.)

I am reminded of this: We were told as children, 'you are tomorrow's leaders', yet tomorrow has come and yesterday's leaders remain. And now our parents are complaining that nothing is changing, even though we are grown. So I ask them, how is this magical leap from "shut up!" to "speak out against the madness!" supposed to come about? 

Nigeria doesn't have a voiceless youth population; we have a silenced one. 

Until we learn to let our children think for themselves, to use their voices at home and in school and in religious gatherings, until authority figures no longer feel threatened by honest inquiry and constructive criticism, Nigeria will not change. Our greatest resource is our youth, whose greatest resource is their minds, yet we perpetuate a culture that stifles those minds. So you, Pastor, Principal, Parent, next time you want to point fingers and cast blame about the state of our nation, you know exactly where to look. You are entirely complicit in the production of incompetent graduates and vapid young adults. You are responsible for Nigeria's stagnation. Don't look to us to change the country; look to yourself to handle your authority better. 

Let tomorrow's leaders be great, and see if Nigeria won't follow suit. 

Jail the Gays, Nigeria.

Nigeria is in the news again, and as usual, it's not because we've done something right. This time around, a revised secret version of the anti-gay bill has been passed into law, very quietly (so as to prevent another lobby by LGBTQI bodies in Nigeria, I suspect), and our normally unpopular legislature seems to have hit a home run with this move. In one fell swoop Nigeria's generally inept leadership has managed to unify all the different factions and groups warring for supremacy (or at least some kind of majority foothold) in this great nation: Christian, Muslim, PDP, APC, Igbo, Tiv -  90+% of the Nigerian populace is solidly behind them in this incredible violation of human rights because, hey, we never liked the gays anyway.

I'll just ask one question here: how many (out) gay people does the average Nigerian even know? Usually, none. So there is this malicious scourge, this vile, reprehensible minority whose very existence is a stench in the nostrils of the Nigerian populace, never mind that most of the Nigerian populace doesn't know anyone who actually belongs to this group. And just like with every other human rights violation, the (often willfully ignorant, irrationally prejudiced) majority reserves the right to endanger the lives of innocent people because they can. We can oppress the gays and strip them of their humanity and their rights, like historically the blacks, the women, the mentally ill, the lower castes, and any number of other minority or culturally 'inferior' groups was and often continues to be oppressed.

What is it about homosexuality that makes it okay for a failing leadership to latch onto a non-issue, create a human rights fiasco out of it, and still win the praise of its disenfranchised polity? Please be sure to leave comments about how gayness chips away at the very fabric of our great culture and traditional values (because obviously culture is static and the gatekeepers of African tradition are people who dress like Westerners and worship Middle-Eastern deities), how gayness endangers our children (because gayness is a communicable disease), how gayness threatens procreation (because despite environmental issues and overpopulation, what the Earth needs is more people), how gayness offends god (please be specific as to which god you're referring to; there's a ton of them) - please be sure to set your human decency aside and propagate hatred and victimization of innocent people.

For those who will say that Nigeria is a majorly religious nation and in Christian and Muslim doctrine, homosexuality is a sin, I have two statements. One, Homosexuality is not a sin; it is a state of being. No state of being is sinful. Latent sexuality is simply that: latent sexuality. Neither good nor bad. Neither sacred nor profane. How is romantic love sinful? How is sexual desire sinful? If you proceed to say that it is homosexual behavior that is sinful, please read my second point: your religion is yours and yours alone. Religious beliefs are not an absolute standard; they are a personal choice. So if your god, gods or God frowns on same-sex relationships, that doesn't mean everyone's does. Nigeria is a secular state: a religious majority should not mean the criminalization of orientations or behaviors that do not follow the mores of that religion. Otherwise, every single person in Nigeria would be liable for jail time. And that includes you, Soldier in the Divine Army of God.

Truth be told, the general bent of the comments on this issue has been astonishing in the depth of prejudice and ignorance. All you have to be to see that this law is a terrible thing, is a decent human being who is capable of compassion and empathy. Discrimination, persecution and criminalization of any innocent person based on differences in religion, gender, sexual orientation, income level, or whatever else contributes to identity is a violation of basic human rights. You do not get to pick and choose what rights another human being qualifies for on the basis of your personal (or in this case, collective) biases, prejudices, ignorance, intolerance or bigotry. A human being is a human being, regardless of who they love or how they fuck. And it's none of your business, and certainly none of the law's.

PS: the comments on this post will be moderated. If your comment will include accusations of homosexuality, passages of scripture, ignorance, derailment or bigotry, please don't bother. 

Further reading:

Ayo Sogunro's Thoughts

Feminism, Misogyny and Female Perpetrators

I am (now) a feminist.
In the last couple of months I have been reading a lot about the lived experiences of women, what it means to be female in patriarchal societies, and the injustices, major and minor, that women suffer every day simply because they are women.

I am a woman.
This process of enlightenment that I've been going through has already made me more aware of what that really means, and it is shocking to me how things that I considered normal, things that I would not feel more than a flicker of irritation over, things that I would brush off and move on from, are actually symptoms of a system-wide misogyny that is being perpetrated everyday in our society.

Not only had I internalized this misogyny, in some cases I condoned it, was amused by it, contributed to it. But now I am learning about these things, and it deeply concerns me when I see other women who are still the way I used to be, because I have no idea how to get them to see what they are doing. I never saw it when I did it myself. Even in my blog post about the Walter/Fatoyimbo scandal, I failed to address the issue of abuse of power, because I really didn't think it was as important as the message I wanted to get across.

Now I say that I am a feminist, that it would be impossible for me not to be. I want to fight to eradicate the things that women suffer because we live in a society that tells men it is okay to harass, abuse, dehumanize and sexualize us, for them to feel entitled to our bodies and personhood, and even to kill us.
But what about when it is other women who act and think like all or some of those things are okay?

My older sister is one of those women.
Last night we were talking about one of our cousins who now lives abroad. He was in his fourth year of university when she started at Ife, and we shared fond memories of him. One of the stories that she shared was how he used to drive around campus with his male friends, shouting sexual comments at girls and 'complimenting' their backsides, and how any girl who showed disgust or disinterest was promptly labelled a 'skelewi', the colloquial term for 'slut'.
She was laughing as she told me this story. I didn't even know where to begin, so I didn't say anything.

Oma's mother is one of those women.
Oma's story, written as a ten-part series (start reading here), is heartbreaking. Her mother said to her that she would rather let her die at the hands of her abusive husband than watch her disgrace the family by leaving him.

Mrs. D.O. is one of those women.
A close family member's boss (a woman who is herself a mother of three) is putting her through severe abuse and discrimination in an attempt to force her to quit, just so she won't have to grant her the 12 weeks of paid maternity leave that she is due.

Mrs. P and Omobolanle et al are some of those women.
This blog post about a rape victim's trauma has some surprising comments left by women, some of whom are rape survivors themselves. This post on the same blog has some incredible victim-blaming mental gymnastics going on, with many female commenters saying the victim was going to have sex with her rapist anyway, a 'fact' which therefore nullified the crime of the rape. Never mind that there is no indication whatsoever in this girl's case that she was remotely sexually interested in her rapist; he was someone who offered her a job.

It is a huge, intimidating task, attempting to find solutions and empowering alternatives to the systemic abuse that women suffer in Nigeria at the hands of men. But I have no idea how we will ever get to this utopia of equal, respectful, empowering treatment of women if we ourselves have the misogyny so deeply ingrained in us that we don't even realise it when we are kicking another woman who is down, or when we are putting her down ourselves.

I just became a feminist, and I already feel defeated.

Further reading:
Male entitlement in Nigeria
Are you a feminist?
Rape culture
Everyday Sexism

The Promiscuous Nature of Grace: The COZA Scandal

Update, Dec. 30, 2014: This post is no longer reflective of my thoughts on this issue. I have a better understanding of how abuse should be handled in Christian settings, and I apologise for the complete derailment that this post contains. I however don't feel it is honest to take it down, so I won't, on principle. 

Pretty much every Nigerian in cyber-space has heard of the Ese Walter/Biodun Fatoyimbo debacle. Many waited to hear/see what the popular pastor's response would be, and many, myself inclusive, were disappointed with what appeared to be silent ratification by the church of his behavior, because things went on as usual. He preached this morning. And neither confirmed nor denied the allegations.
We cried foul. I cried foul.
Then I got a lesson. In grace.

'I will show you levels of grace you don't understand.' 

I am not a theologian, but I have a few (potentially controversial) thoughts to share, based on this lesson that I received.

1. God does not pander to the human sense of justice (because it is flawed).
Most people want to see Pastor Biodun  either vindicated or punished, depending on his guilt. That is not on God's agenda at all. What God wants is what advances the gospel, not what makes us feel angry or pacified. At the end of the day, the opinion of the multitude is irrelevant to God's agenda because the multitude is rarely Godly.
God deals with us all on a personal basis. Let me show you.
The Woman Caught in Adultery.
The crowd wanted justice. 'Stone her!' (Also the crowd wanted to catch Jesus in a violation of Mosaic law, but that's another story).
What she did was wrong; unlike Pastor Biodun, she was caught in the act. Naked. Standing before a screaming, bloodthirsty mob, guilty as sin.
Jesus' first reaction? Silence. He did not respond to the crowd. The crowd was enraged, but they did not believe in him. Bringing her to be judged by him was an act of rebellion: 'We have always doubted your divinity, now we will use this adulterer to catch you in a misstep.'
How many gleeful church-bashers got a kick out of this scandal? The most popular reaction was 'Ehen! I knew these Pentecostal pastors were all self-seeking hypocrites!'
God is under no obligation to address people who hate him.
'..Let them that nameth the name of the Lord depart from iniquity.The Lord knoweth those that are his..'

His next reaction?
'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.'
God does not deal with us as a multitude. In the dispensation of grace, God handles our sins as individuals. Jesus pointed the crowd's spotlight at their own hearts, and based on their own sins, they could no longer stand in judgment over another.
We clamor for justice based on the (definite possibility) that Pastor Biodun has committed a sin. By so doing, we are indirectly calling for the same treatment of our sins. Asking God for justice is not wrong in itself, but can we ask for the same treatment for ourselves? If we are honest with ourselves, our personal wrongdoing becomes the bigger priority than the sins of another man, no matter how grievous or scandalous.
What do you care of another man's standing with God when your own is precarious?
Then, 'woman, where are you accusers?'
In light of your personal sins, hidden and forgiven alike, can you stand in judgment over another man? If you have not confessed them, they will convict you. If you have, they will remind you that your righteousness is simply a function of the same grace that has been so mocked in the last couple of days.

2. 'Shall we continue in sin that grace may abound? God (alone!) forbid!'
Grace is God saying 'I have factored in your past, present and future, and I will always relate with you from the perspective of the possibilities of your future.'
Man says 'look at his past! look at his present!' And God replies, 'I'm looking at his future.' The present and past have been resolved by the death of Christ on the cross; as long as a man has a future, he is entitled to grace. That is why God's judgment comes after you have died. God's judgment and his mercy are two sides of the same coin, so insist on divine judgment, and you are by default insisting on God's mercy.
You can scream and shout about a man being a sinner. But God's grace is infinite to the living.
'The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases. His mercies never come to an end. They are new every morning, great is his faithfulness.'
Look at Sodom and Gomorrah. God and Abraham, judgment and mercy.
'If my people who are called by name will humble themselves and pray, and turn from their wicked ways, I will hear from heaven and heal their land.'

Grace cannot exist outside the context of sin. After Jesus sent away the multitude to deal with their own individual issues, he dealt with the adulterous woman's sin. She had sinned, there was no question of it, and the wages of sin is still death. But the gift of God is still eternal life, and Jesus knew he would die for her and pay for her sins, so he was the only one qualified to judge her, and in the process, give her a chance at eternal life. So he said 'Woman, where are your accusers? Do they not condemn you? Even so, I do not condemn you. Go and sin no more.'


3. God does not owe the public an explanation.
The kingdom of God is not a democracy; it is a theocracy. There is only one King of Kings, and his word is final. Children of God are kings on the Earth, and the King of Kings will never subject his kings to the judgment of sons of men. This is a hard truth, but it is the truth. It is God's truth.
God was not elected into office. To what electorate then does he owe anything? David and Bathsheba are a favorite line of defense when issues like this come up. And my question is, at what point did David apologise to Israel? To his army? To anyone other than God Himself? God sent a prophet to convict David, not a screaming mob of irate Israelites. The truth of the matter is, guilty or not, we may never hear anything of what Pastor Biodun does about this situation. And this is because he came to Christ as an individual, and his relationship with God is personal. He owes us nothing.
Someone might say 'but he has caused other men to sin!' because there will be people who will leave the church, people who will take the stance of 'if pastor can do it, so can I.' But the honest truth is others influence our choices, yes, but our choices remain ours. And that is the basis upon which God will judge each and every one of us; as single, independent agents who exercised free will. If Ese herself could come to a deeper knowledge of God because of this experience, who are you then to say it has caused you to sin?


Am I sanctioning Pastor Biodun's behavior? Far from it. I am just sharing what I understand to be the position of God. Ese Walter shared that the episode caused her to find God's truth personally. What that means is if she were to stand before God in judgment, she would not be a slut, she would not be an attention-seeker, she would be a child of God, your opinion notwithstanding. If Pastor Biodun is not guilty of this offence, He remains a child of God. If he is guilty and he repents and avails himself of the grace of God, he is restored as a child of God.
The only other person in this equation is you, standing in judgment over these children of God. What footing are you standing on? Both Ese and Pastor Biodun can take advantage of the shameless, annoying (to those seeking 'justice'), all-inclusive grace of God. But can you? Are you a child of God?
That is the only question that really matters.